Crump Withdraws Olive Branch, Refuses to Ride with Killer Burritos

May 26, 2009 on 3:23 am | In Mountain Biking | 2 Comments

It looked as though things were finally going to work out.

After a two-year rift, Andy Crump and the Killer Burritos appeared to be on the verge of patching things up, with Crump offering to serve as the KBs’ ride-leader at the 12th Annual Tour de Gulch.

Things fell apart late last week when Crump suddenly withdrew his offer. “I’m riding at a very lofty level at this time,” Crump said. “It became glaringly obvious that the Limp Burritos haven’t trained and simply cannot perform – and I suppose you can interpret cannot perform in a variety of ways.”

Crump’s animosity toward the Burritos can be traced back to 2007 when he heaped ridicule on the group’s mysterious RideMaster. After Crump suggested that the RideMaster had relinquished his testicles along with his leadership position, the RM gave up mountain biking, joined a quilt-making club, and later auditioned for the Vienna Boys’ Choir.

Crump subsequently volunteered to become the new RideMaster, an offer that was scorned by the Killer Burritos. “I was ready to step in,” Crump said. “But they didn’t want a real man out front making them look bad.”

“If the RideMaster was their leader, what does that tell you about the rest of the group?” Crump said. ”For the Burritos, a really technical ride means hitting the fire roads at Forest Park, and then stopping to say, ‘Did you see that overly large chunk of gravel that nearly took me down? Hang on a minute while I change my shorts.’ They don’t have the skill to ride at Growlers, and they certainly don’t have the ability to ride with me.”

Crump, who finished 17th at the 2009 Growlers Gulch 5K with a time of 4:49, recalled that the Burritos nearly mutinied during the 2008 TDG when ride-leader Lance Brigman forced the group to climb to the top of the 313 hill.

“One time to the top of the 313, and they were crying like Jimmy Swaggart!” Crump said. “Is it any wonder these losers don’t show for the 5K?”

Crump said he has experienced anxiety, high blood pressure, sleeplessness, and occasional incontinence during the past few weeks as he unsuccessfully attempted to end the feud.

“Other than my humility, my greatest strength has always been the ability to bring people together,” Crump said. “But I have to admit defeat in this case, in spite of the numerous sacrifices I’ve made to make things work. I’ve shown the patience of Job. I just don’t know what else I could have done.”

The Killer Burritos – Mark Crump, Dave Norbury, Matt Bruce and Paul Butcher – had no comment, other than to refer to Andy Crump as a “very large mouth attached to a very small mind.”