Only the Stupid Need Apply

June 23, 2009 on 1:32 pm | In Mountain Biking | 20 Comments

Sometimes, they don’t listen to the Voice of Reason.

Despite my best efforts to get this fiasco changed or canceled, the Tour de Gulch Board of Directors has informed me that the Ride ‘em All will take place on Saturday, July 11th. Tentative start time is 8:00 a.m.

Last year, 12 people were dumb enough to do it. I’m expecting the stupidity factor to be a little higher this year because Five Wheels are on the line. In select cases – Jack’s freakishly fit brother-in-law George, for example – we will consider taking on people by special request. Keep in mind, however, that using this ride to “start getting in shape” is a bad move. It just leads to babysitting and makes everyone sad.

Sustenance: We will stash coolers in a couple of spots because it’s likely you will need more fluid than you can carry. Bring plenty of food and whatever it takes to keep you from cramping (If you cramped on the 5K, which was a cool day, expect a more severe version of that on July 11th if you don’t take precautions).

Ride Route: The ride is broken into four legs. I’ve included general directions at the bottom of this post. They’re going to read like Greek to most of you but you might recognize a couple of trail names.

We will set the clock but this is an endurance ride, not a race. If you follow the directions in the next paragraph, there is no need for the majority of you – GG core group is the exception – to try to learn the route.

If you thought the 5K route was difficult to follow, the REA route is infinitely more complex. Only about five to eight people are capable of navigating it. That’s why we will break into groups as the first leg, which is the most complicated, progresses. It is your responsibility to stick with someone who knows the way (If you see the ride leader tossing out bread crumbs, this is a bad sign). You will be seeing umpteen intersections during the day. Unless you are positive about the route, stay behind the ride leader. If you take a wrong turn, do not expect the group to stop and look for you. You will be on your own, and you will also be DQed.

Five Wheel Candidates: If you are working toward five wheels, this is the one you will remember most. The distance and elevation gain – approximately 30 miles with 5K-6K of ascent – aren’t really much different from the Growlers Gulch 5K. But the REA is virtually all interval single-track. Conquer the REA and things get easier. You will feel pain at the TT and Climbing Championship, but it won’t last nearly as long.

We also recognize those who complete four of five events, so if you have missed one and your name is not listed below (Dara, Thomas, and Jack), we are still expecting you to join us on July 11th.

• Cage Aaron
• Aaron Althauser
• Lance Brigman
• Andy Crump
• Todd Edwards
• Al Hansen
• Silent Bob Juntenen
• Rob Larsen
• D. LeMonds
• J. LeMonds
• Denise Livingston
• Eric Loney
• Susan Martin
• Ryan McMaster
• Jeff Muldoon
• Melanie Norris
• Paul Norris
• Ken Pearson
• Randy Toney
• Mike Van Hoose
• Dennis Veatch

Let the Sign-up Begin: Oddly, I don’t have any photos of last year’s REA. This is either because people were too tired to use their cameras or because there was no joy to be captured on celluloid.

The following people are already signed on:

• Aaron Altaeuser
• George “Rainman” Baskevitch
• Jack Berry
• Erik Carlson
• Andy Crump
• John Gibson
• Silent Bob Juntunen
• Rob Larsen
• D. LeMonds
• J. LeMonds
• Jeff Lipton
• Denise Livingston
• Susan Martin
• Ryan McMaster
• Thomas Mueller
• Dara Muldoon
• Jeff Muldoon
• Paul Norris
• Ken Pearson
• The Mysterious Spence
• Mike Van Hoose

I’m waiting. Let me know. Route below.

REA Route:

Section #1

• Predator, No Problem and Cousin Eddy
• Terminator up and cut across to New Guy
• Across road to cut across. Take switchbacks to top of Terminator. Hit the gravel at the top.
• Slalom. Right on Trail of Tears
• Frosty Balls to clay hill trail to road
• Road to top of Beauty
• Down on Beauty and all of Belly
• Up Walk in the Park

Section #2

• First road trail to Alley Oop
• Big Wow
• Ridge Trail
• Rush
• Beaver Pond
• Cooley’s Loop
• Up Secret Garden and third Lower KMA to Lament (HIT COOLER AT INTERSECTION)
• Lament to both legs of Jekyll to RR grade

Section #3

• Up 313 hill
• Creation
• Double Down (north leg on left going in, up the middle leg, then down the south leg)
• Canoe
• JFK (south to north)
• ABC
• Miracle Mile

Section #4

• RR grade to JLS
• Upper KMA
• First two Lower KMAs
• Take right past blue gate to third Road Trail (Ride the one closer to the road; Dead Left is screwed up because of horse traffic) and then hit False Hope
• Carnage (HIT COOLER AT TOP OF CARNAGE)
• Cooley’s, Piece, Pound, Creek Trail
• Mr. T
• Buffalo
• Home

How hard can it be?