I was having a dream – Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly were taking turns goin’ rogue on Sarah Palin. Sarah was telling them to stick with it; she could just about see Russia. And then the phone rang and the real nightmare began.
A surly voice on the other end said, “Hey, fat boy. Check your email.”
“That’s sort of an unpleasant way to start a conversation,” I replied.
“I could have tossed in that you’re only marginally coherent and fully useless, but I don’t have time to provide you with in-depth psycho-analysis.”
At least the guy knew me.
“So what’s up with the email?”
“Just shut up and check it, moron. I’ll be in touch with my demands.”
“Excuse me, sir,” I said. “Are you with the federal government?” But the connection went dead, and I was left with a wispy recollection of Sarah Palin with her hair down and a smile on her face.
A quick check of my email messages showed one from an address I didn’t recognize: firstname.lastname@example.org.
The message read – Don’t force me to use violence. You guys suck, but I don’t want to harm the cup unless I have to. You’ll be hearing from me.
I opened the attachment and was greeted by the disturbing image below:
Now it was becoming clear.
After a full year of abuse resulting from earning only three wheels in 2008, Dave had received his coveted Fist of Five cup from artist Dara Hartman after the mega-trailbuilding party last Saturday. Hartman created the cups in recognition of those who completed all five events at Growlers in 2009. She named Dave’s cup “Bad Attitude” in recognition of his volatility and lack of decorum.
Now – just one party after Dave had received it – BA had been hijacked!
I frantically began making phone calls to search for clues.
“The last time I saw that cup,” said Jeff Lipton, “Patterson was fondling it like it had sexual powers.” But, Lipton had to admit, he did not witness Patterson leaving the premises with the cup.
I tried to get in touch with Dave, but Lipton had already called to deliver the bad news. Dave’s supervisor said he was taking no calls and had scheduled a lengthy session with his therapist.
“This is a tragedy!” Hartman raved. “It’s not the kidnaping that bothers me. It’s the fact that Dave would be so completely irresponsible. I slaved over that cup, and he treated it like something you would throw out with the recycling.”
We have only a single lead. One of my neighbors saw a white sports utility vehicle, similar to the one shown below, speeding away from the Post-Ride Pub at 465 on Saturday evening.
If you would like to share condolences or clues, please post a comment at the bottom of this page.