Terrorists Publish List of Demands – Episode #2

November 27, 2009 on 2:38 pm | In Mountain Biking | 3 Comments

I was dreaming again. No Palin. No O’Reilly. No Hannity. This time, the only mounting that was about to be done was me climbing onto the pimped-out Turner Sultan waiting in my garage.

Then the doorbell rang, and I realized immediately that there was no Turner. I was still stuck with a beaten-down Fisher 292 and the 59-year-old body that powered it.

I tried to look on the bright side. Maybe the UPS man had stopped by to deliver some holiday bike parts.

Wrong.

I stumbled to the door. No one was there. A plain brown envelope lay on the porch. Perhaps this was a subtle, new marketing ploy by the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

I opened the envelope and cried out in horror at the crude and sadistic - albeit quite creative and mildly entertaining – picture in my hand.

  

Once the shock had passed, I raced to my computer to relay the news to Dave. When I checked my email, I found this chilling message and the photos below. Once again from dipthong@terroristsrus.com.

Let’s keep it simple so that you morons have a chance of comprehending.

I want beer.

And not just any beer. In the Christmas spirit, I have put together a very specific list of what I expect to see in my holiday stocking:

• 12 22-ounce bottles of The Abyss ’09
• 11 pints of Port Brewing’s Hop-15
• 10 22-ounces bottles of Southern Tier’s Unearthly Imperial IPA
• 9 pints of Avery’s Maharaja Imperial IPA
• 8 22-ounce bottles of Deschutes Black Butte XXI
• 7 growlers of Fort George’s Vortex IPA
• 6 growlers of Stone Russian Imperial Stout
• 5 pints of Hopworks Survival Stout
• 4 growlers of Roots Organic’s Chocolate Habanero Stout
• 3 22-ounces bottles of Ninkasi Oatis
• 2 gift certificates for the Fort George Mug Club
• 1 keg of Walking Man’s Homo Erectus

I will contact you with information about the transfer of goods. No delays and no excuses. And don’t even think about contacting the authorities.

Who knows what might happen to Dave’s little friend if I don’t get what I want? We’re having so much fun together, I hate to see it come to an end. Enjoy the pictures.