Ridiculous Training Taints 5K Spirit

Remember the golden days when the Growlers Gulch 5,000 was a mellow ride, not a stroke-inducing hammerfest?

This year’s participants have taken things to absurd new levels by starting their training earlier and hitting things harder than ever.

As the Voice of Reason, I have tried to set an example that exemplifies moderation, but I can see it’s useless.

Susan Martin rode the entire 5K route on Sunday. Since that wasn’t enough, she tossed in an extra lap.

Ryan McMaster is riding to work three times a week. No big deal, right? Here’s the problem – he lives in Longview; work is in Battle Ground. It’s a 90-mile roundtrip with plenty of climbing. When we rode on Sunday, McMaster was going up hill so fast that I could have drafted off him if I’d been able to keep him in sight.

Defending 5K champ Mike Van Hoose is training harder and is in even better condition than last year. When Van Hoose does 5K laps he tosses in interval work on PMS “just for the fun of it.”

Melanie “The Hammer” Norris has a new bike for the 5K – and not just any bike. This is a Sette hardtail. Once the pedals have been changed it will likely come in at under 20 pounds! Her tires and wheels weigh less than a frisbee. Toss in the fact that we probably can’t convince her to break her shoulder seven miles into the ride this year and you can see the problem.

Rob Larsen and one-time Killer Burrito Andy Crump both rode the entire 5K route on Saturday. Crump’s in sales, so I don’t expect him to have a moral code, but Larsen was a major disappointment. Supposedly, he didn’t want to ride the whole thing but Crump “peer-pressured” him into it. When Larsen gives up beer at the Post-Ride Pub so that he can do more training, this is a bad thing for the rest of us.

And what about the Doctor? Two-time GG5K winner Lance Brigman was out on Saturday to ride a few laps. He let us know that – because he was racing on Sunday – he would be holding his heart rate at a “moderate level.” For Brigman, this translated to 165-170 beats per minute. I’m guessing it was probably 180-190 on race day. Are ya kiddin’ me? A hummingbird can’t maintain that kind of heart rate without keeling over.

Even PNW biking legend Vaughn Martin has succumbed. On Sunday, he and his young friend George Barnett were riding training laps. After completing three legs of the ’09 5K, the 72-year-old freak of nature has decided to ride the entire thing this year. Don’t feel sorry for him because of his age. Vaughn is the only person I know who has negative body fat.

Just letting you know that the cheaters are everywhere. I hate to think about what the rest of the sick bastards have been up to.