Norris Busts Out Euro Training Regimen: Desperate to ramp up his 5K fitness after months of sloth, Paul Norris has reportedly flown to London for a week of intense training with the Buckingham Palace guards.
Attempts to contact Norris by phone and email proved futile, but Melanie Norris – who agreed to be quoted in this story as long as she was not identified – confirmed that Paul was undergoing what she called “psycho-babble bullshit” sessions with personal trainer McTavish Fox-Wellington.
An article by Fox-Wellington that was published in the British magazine Useless Shit that Gullible People Might Believe referred to the Buckingham training as “mind-altering, karma-changing emotional transformation that significantly increases performance for mountain bikers.”
According to the article, trainees spend a full week posing as guards at Buckingham Palace, where they are forced to remained perfectly still, thus allowing them time to consider every inch of their race route while simultaneously deluding themselves with the notion that they are capable of competing.
Fox-Wellington said that, despite the complete lack of physical activity, his training method worked wonders for the Falklands Islands team at the ’08 World Mountain Biking Trials.
“It’s true that none of them placed or came near the podium,” Fox-Wellington admitted, “but the lads gave it a gallant try nonetheless.”
Evenings are spent eating kidney pie and watching re-runs of Eastenders. Guiness is also a part of the regimen, although Melanie Norris insisted that her husband “would rather be gang-raped by brown recluse spiders than willingly drink Guiness.”
GG Women Ready to Rock: Sam Loney, Tonya Breedlove, and Carol Mathre tuned up for the 5K by completing the entire ride route on Saturday.
After some schooling by GGG mainstay Dara “Hardball” Hartman, Juntu Oberg – who will be riding in her first 5K – has the route nailed. Hartman has pronounced Oberg “ready to roll.”
Melanie Norris, who finished the ’09 5K despite breaking her shoulder at mile seven, has requested new legs and lungs for this year’s ride. Unfortunately, Santa responded with the sad news that he only delivers during December.
Hansen Forced to Withdraw from 5K: Al Hansen, Growlers Gulch Racing’s Rider of the Year in 2009, will be unable to participate in this year’s 5K because of a thumb injury sustained during a crash at Port Angeles several weeks ago.
In ’09, Hansen finished second at the 5K, fourth at the Climbing Championships, and first at the Time Trial. He also won the Fluidride Cup DH title in Cat 1 19-29.
Hansen has vowed to attend this year’s event to “lend a hand with beer consumption.”