What have you been doing to prepare for this event?
Mueller: I spent several weeks in Germany drinking beer and eating borst and brautwurst during Oktoberfest. This allowed me to wipe away the stain of American culture and infuse myself with the rich heritage that can be found only in the Fatherland.
Have you been training?
Mueller: I have kept a watchful eye on the participants for the climbing event and determined that no training is necessary. It is disappointing to see that no one will be on hand to provide me with a suitable challenge. My son, Leon, could easily dispose of this group of incompetents.
Jeep LeMonds finished second last year. Do you consider him a challenger in this year’s event?
Mueller: What can be said about Jeep except that he is very old. At this time in his life he is less concerned about the Climbing Championships than about having a sufficient supply of Milk of Magnesia and learning what the Senior Center will provide for lunch on Wednesday.
LeMonds is old, but what about Cage Aaron and Al Hansen? They finished third and fourth last year, and they’re both young and strong.
Mueller: I am in my generous mood today, so I will say that Cage and Al are not completely pathetic. To make things more difficult last year, I rode with slicks, while Al could not defeat me even when using the large, obscene tire with many knobs. Cage is like a bunny rabbit who must go hoppity-hoppity to make headway when climbing. Now that hopping has been prohibited, he will have no more chance against me than Bugs the Bunny.
Did you start breathing a little easier when you learned that Jack Berry would not be there to challenge you for the title?
Mueller: Ha, ha, ha! Do not make me laugh off my ass. Jack does not even know enough to buy German components. Instead, he is content to purchase cheap Japanese shit. In his heart, Jack realizes that he is merely a roadie who rides a mountain bike. Do you think it is a coincidence that he schedules a trip to Cally-forn-ia each time we have an event that would expose his lack of ability?
Eric Loney wasn’t at last year’s event because of a broken leg, and he might miss this year because he has a friend in town. Does that make your job easier?
Mueller: Loney is a tiny man with a tiny bike. The recent news stories about his meaningless victories have caused him to overestimate his limited abilities. If he attends the climbing event, I will crush the little man like a bug.
Can you point to anyone who might give you a run for your money?
Mueller: I do not wish to be seen as arrogant so I will say only that no one can equal my superior power and skill. I can only predict who will be competing for the second prize. I have noticed that Daniel Faber and Aaron Dennis have signed on to the list. I do not know the full extent of their pathetic-ness but I am thinking they will be in the second and third positions, only because it is not possible for them to be worse than the others who have signed up.
Last year, you missed the post-ride celebration. Jeff Muldoon said you had to go to a baby shower. Will you be able to attend this year’s festivities?
Mueller: Muldoon does not have a reputation for truth-telling. I was forced to leave the party because we had guests arriving and I was called upon to display my hospitality and friendly demeanor. This year, I will attend the party and receive the accolades that will shower down upon me after my victory.