Brigman Refuses Drug Test

Two-time Growlers Gulch 5,000 champion Lance Brigman has declined a request by the TDG Board of Directors to undergo testing for performance-enhancing substances.

Several TDG Board members said they found it odd that Brigman, 62, continues to toast riders ranging in age from 5 to 95. “Very suspicious,” said former Three Rivers Cycling Club member Denise Livingston. “The guy should be using a walker at this stage of his life. Instead, he’s crushing people like they were bugs. Think about it – have you ever ridden fast enough to set your rear tire on fire? Something’s just not right.”

“Lance might be taking HGH,” said board member Rob Larsen, “but one thing you can say about him is that he never discriminates because of age – he’ll kick your ass whether you’re young, old, or middle-aged.”

Still bitter over having his request for a GG5K handicap denied in March, Brigman accused TDB Board members of violating his constitutional rights and suggested that legal action may be the next step.

Brigman called the testing mandate a feeble attempt to distract him from his quest for a third GG5K title. “It’s all bull,” Brigman said. “I didn’t do anything that Landis, Ullrich, Hamilton, and Basso didn’t do.”

TDG Board member Dave LeMonds agreed to speak with reporters with the understanding that he not be forced to reveal the names of those who voted in favor of having Brigman tested.

“Denise, Mike Van Hoose, Jack Berry, and Paul Norris were the ones behind it,” he said. “Only Larsen and I voted against it. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Larsen did it because Lance is his doctor, and he didn’t want to offend the guy who writes the prescriptions for his pain medication.”

Natural state
Natural state

Larsen provided before and after photos of Brigman that caught the attention of several TDG Board members.

“This one shows Lance doing his lifting regimen right about the time he started training for triathlons,” Larsen said.

Conversely, the photo at the bottom of the page clearly illustrates the Barry-Bonds like transformation that has taken place over the past few years.

AARP attorney Richard Rumsfield, who is representing Brigman, said that TDG Board members might be able to avoid litigation, provided they agreed to grant Brigman the 15-minute handicap he requested previously.

“My client has experienced severe emotional trauma as a result of these unfounded and highly prejudicial allegations,” Rumsfield said. “It’s only fair that he be granted the handicap if we are to maintain an even playing field.”

After upgrades
After upgrades

6 thoughts on “Brigman Refuses Drug Test”

  1. I knew something was not quite right. I say we give him a 20 min handicap in exchange for a taste of whatever it is he has, that so far, has not been offered nor shared even after several groveling attempts from many TDG board members.

  2. it is not true that coach jeep’s running out of his performance enhancing steroids(testosterone) early has anything to do with lance’s performances-jeep please send more syringes and the check is in the mail.

  3. Sounds like sour grapes to me. All you kids,under 60, should be trying to fiqure out how you are going to be at least half as good as Lance when you reach his age.

  4. I suggested dope testing several posts ago. It’s a new era we live in. Guilty until proven innocent.

    Even Lance Armstrong lets them test now. Almost bi-daily.

  5. Ha-ha. NO ONE BUT ME knows exactly how Lance looks,and is SURE he has no dirty looking tatoos, like the writer of this report! And NO ONE BUT ME arranges his daily vitamins,and also, NO ONE BUT ME knows how much ice cream, his real “drug of choice” he consumes without feeling any calorie-counting guilt. He’s one of a kind, and HE’S MINE!!

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