Patterson Late, Lipton Victimized

Twenty-four people worked at the Castle Rock Bike Park on Sunday. Only Mike Patterson was so dumb that he forgot to set his clocks ahead.

As a result, Patterson and Jeff Lipton – who was naively relying on Patterson for a ride – were late. The work they were supposed to be doing had to be assigned to Vaughn Martin, Bob Horness and others. No one was happy.

Lipton was quick to throw Patterson under the bus. “I was waiting by the door,” he said. “I can’t believe Patterson was so irresponsible. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate our friendship.”

To make matters worse, Patterson later claimed that he suffered a hernia injury while helping Kevin, Ryane, and me move a tiny 800-pound plank.

Thus, the man who showed up late because of general stupidity had to leave early because of what turned out to be a phantom injury.

When I called his wife that evening to check on him, she said he was watching Jack LaLanne and doing lunges and squats.

“He’s been drinking quite a bit,” she said. “He doesn’t have much mental function these days so alcohol has almost no effect on his reasoning skills. I think that’s why he’s strutting around in the spandex pants.”

Patterson has vowed to return for the April work party. Lipton has made it clear that he will find alternate transportation.

Patterson (left) wisely keeps Lipton between himself and Dave while simultaneously providing useless directions and doing nothing

4 thoughts on “Patterson Late, Lipton Victimized”

  1. I was a victim of ‘scientific” circumstance!! As we all know the Sun spot activity, (sun storms this last week) were focused toward Terry-Taylor streets of Longview, these electrical and magnetic waves caused havoc with my clocks and my personal circadian rhythms – so I should be commended for showing up!! If you need to get after people, what about those guys who ate 3/4ths to a full chicken – some were using the hot chickens for a hand warmer!!! Mike P

  2. Patterson…I checked NOAA and NASA websites and contacted their PR/Media persons. The Terry/Taylor area was not near the magnetic waves you referenced…perhaps the smoke from your medicinal hoka clouded your memory.

    Hoping your chicken gizzard withdrawal isn’t as bad as mine or Lipton’s.

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